Am I On an Awesome Adventure?

I leave for Wes on Wednesday!!!
I seriously can't wait. I'm a little nervous to leave, and to see how I do with dealing with everything when I am there. But I want to meet people and start a whole new part of my life.
I get music, and bio, and camp and cool people. I hope the food is good, I hope my class schedule works out and I hope I make lots of really good friends.
But I'm also going to feel weird about heading off to the unknown. Having to do a whole new environment when I'm coming off one that makes me feel so good is going to be hard. But I have a much better sense of myself and a much better way to look at a lot of things than I did even earlier this summer. And Amy will be just a phone call away.
I just need to remember to Keep it Simple.
I will be meeting a million new people, but all I have to do is smile, ask questions, pretend it is camp, be myself, ask for phone #s and ignore the awkwardness.
I will be facing a whole new system and school, but all I have to do is use my resources, ask questions, and ask for help if I need it.
I will be starting a brand new part of my education, but all I have to do is pay attention, read, take good notes, study in an organized fashion, and seek out my professors for help if need be.
I will be tasked with organizing my own life, but all I have to do is be planful, be careful, make time for all my needs, and know myself.
I will be hit with a lot of probable stressors, but all I have to do is be kind to myself, stay in contact with the people who love me, pay attention to my body and my emotions.
Oh, and HAVE FUN!! And try to get camp onto campus, do a blood drive, a bone marrow drive, a performance of IN C, something random and fun like Unloved Sports, play Pep Band, get them scrambling on the field. But I have four years for those goals, and others that are sure to come up.
I'm pretty sure I'll be ok. But there's a lot of uncertainty like Rev. Biddle was talking about today. What I wish for, and what I've wished for in a lot of situations in my recent memory, is a full and child-like faith. I'm glad I have the VBS tape coming with me, because it's very important to the whole thing. I remember (or Mom telling me made me remember). Riding in to the BMT That Wasn't and singing the song from VBS the year before, but with my own modified lyrics: "I'm on an awesome, awesome adventure/gonna tell you about God's amazing deeds/I'm on an awesome, awesome adventure/Come discover the adventure God and the doctors have planned for me"
There I was, five years old, riding in to what could have been my death and destruction, or my life and salvation, with that attitude. I admire my five year old self immensely for looking at transplant as an adventure, and one that God had has a direct hand in planning in my life. I was headed off to the unknown, but I was sure that two sources of safety- God and my doctors- had planned my route and would keep me going. That is the kind of faith I pray for.
That "adventure" turned out to be both a dead end and the start of much longer, much more epic journey.
Who knows where this adventure will take me? I'm uncertain.
How will it go? I'm uncertain of that as well.

What I am certain of is that I am on what is going to be an AWESOME adventure, and all I have to do is try my best to keep the faith and discover what's in store.
It's going to be, like it always has been, a sometimes bumpy, sometimes wild, but always wonder- and awe-filled ride.

As We Go On...

And so, at the end of the day, my worst fear was not realized.
Mom was right, what is really important is that the people who know me, know ME, not my inspirational story. I appreciate still, Josh's words, and Peter's, because so long as the people I am closest to look at me and see ME, then I'm doing just fine. I may wince in the moment when I get called out as the visual representation of perseverance or whatever other admirable quality, but I am ultimately damn proud to be making survivorship look so good. I leaped a couple extra hurdles between kindergarten and here, and that is worth acknowledging. I'm glad that I can stick that in my back pocket, and that everyone always knows when I'm getting called up for an award :). I'm also glad that I have achieved enough that I can get honored for what I have done besides survive a bone marrow transplant: organize the band library, make good comments in history, raise money for charity, and lead override walks. If there are people out there who only know the sob story, they are balanced by those who have no idea about any of it. Although I don't think of any of it as having been all that difficult, doing normal was a lot harder for me because of the situations I was in, but I still managed it. That is what I personally celebrate most: how far I am have come since I got "developing skills" in interacting with others, and just how normal I am now.
I am who I am, and aplastic anemia is and always will be a part of that. And I do honor that, I honored it by going to New York, and with everything that I do for the Craft Fair and camp and blood donation.
I'm excited to be a little bit more able to control the way people see it in the context of my life, but at the same time, I know that I will not be leaving it out completely, because it is important.
I guess I hope that I'm not just that kid who had that disease, but, as Sloane said, someone who showed my classmates how to give back, and why it is important to acknowledge those who have helped you.
And, I hope that they all always remember how to pronounce Aplastic Anemia.
I'm going to miss this class of big personalities. Their humor and insight and achievements have made all of my days at school so much richer and more interesting. They all put up with me and my crazy plans and random sayings and they came to the Craft Fair and donated blood. I love them all, and I will remember them for a long time.
It's starting to feel more real, that we are going our separate ways and will not be tied by that place called the Regional anymore. But we have a long summer ahead of us, full of laughter and more fun and craziness and adventures, intellectual and otherwise. And I know I'll be hearing some really good things about them in the future. It will be everyone's actual departure that will make it real, especially my own. I'm looking forward to all the fun between now and those inevitable departures, and starting to get genuinely excited for the adventure ahead. My life is definitely richer for these last four years.

Suck it, Harvard

So, apparently, the college application/selection process does NOT get less stressful once the decisions are in. I got kinda hosed, as did a lot of other people.
It sucked.
I had pictured things going very differently, and had started putting myself mentally into certain schools, imagining what next year will be like.
But the schools I imagined were not the ones I got into. I am/was disappointed. But, ya know, it's a number's game. No one's life is ever 100% perfect. I've beaten much longer odds before, so I guess it wasn't my time. And the options I have are good, it's just weird that I haven't seen them. I will find a place I like, and I'll go there and if it isn't a fit, I'll transfer. Second-guessing myself always sucks, but I have to put that aside and say that I did the right thing. And I will continue to do the right thing, pick the right option with the cards that I have. I'm pretty good at playing sucky hands well.
It still stung. I deserved it, and what sucks about the system is that thousands of kids who deserved it didn't get it. People don't always get what they deserve in life.
That was crummy, then I lost my wallet, my heart wasn't in Easter, and I couldn't deal with homework.
But the field trip was still fun, I have lots of support from friends in similar boats, but we all do have really good options. We'll all be just fine. Once you cross a certain threshold, you will be just fine. And, in a way, I get a whole other shot at this for grad/med school. The competition is a little less intense there.
And this week, well:
we had an awesome team dinner, blew the Lynns out of the water to finish the season 17-1, had the reader say "These kids make me feel dumb", it was Mr. Bucci's best record yet, he remembered to put in an announcement, I'm going to Six Flags, I spent the whole day sorting stuff and hanging with Mr. Fecke, I supported Jeweliann, Prism was epic and I love the Band. Jolly Coppersmith, Tim's key-tar, the trumpet's doing Mario Bros., Meg and Taylor doing Black, Sloane's piece, Peter wrestling/not wearing shoes/composing sick sax section features in twenty minutes, helping set the stage, the drum section t-shirts, taking pictures outside. I'm going to miss them all so much next year.
Mr. Fecke said he won't know what to do without me, Mr. Fecke's moped breaking down and random non-band seniors giving him a ride, Sloane fighting Henry to give him a ride home.
I played my piece so well, and I wasn't nervous or out of breath. It sounded good and I did it. I set that goal, and I achieved it. As Mr. Fecke said, that's one to stick in my back pocket. I'm proud of myself.
I'm going to get to see the two Maggies at UVM and miss a day of school, Mr. Conrad said I can make a presentation to the seniors, I got picked for the scholarship, I'm nailing my VHS course, Mr. O gave me candy for my excellent College Bowl performance.
The weather was beautiful, it is spring. I'm savoring the first of the 'lasts' as I end my senior year. Vacation is coming. The boys are doing amazing at History Fair. The season of a million band gigs is upon us.
So suck it, Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. You turned down one hell of a kid, and when no one's encouraging your students to save lives, or captaining your college bowl team to its best record ever, organizing the un-organized, winning awards, playing beautiful clarinet solos in a darkened hall, you're going to wish you took me.
But I'm going to be busy kicking ass somewhere else.